[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Bit chilly again tonight.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.