My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Google assistant rules
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
me irl