IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Who’s ready for Friday?!
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat