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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is