The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
what’s more important?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin