I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m literally crying
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
best first i’ve ever seen
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.