My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
my first dose meeting my second
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.