Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s