Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play