Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.