“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
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A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My brain is a bad influence on me
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Welcome to the stomach
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?