The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
You learn something every day
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before