{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.