Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
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Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now