I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”