[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Am I having a stroke?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
These dogs look like they have good credit.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Aight bet