PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
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I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.