If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You Might Also Like
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
This is a bad sign
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.