Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
i actually laughed 😩
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas