Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I am never leaving this website
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.