Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.