If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.