I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Mornin
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.