Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
is this meant to deter me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
uncle dave has been through hell
Hmmmmm
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house