[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
S M O L
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.