I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
You Might Also Like
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
#NeverForget
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
ready to be harvested
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.