“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Godspeed, John Glenn
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone