If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes