Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*weighs self after shaving
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper