Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol