If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
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🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.