Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Does it…does it take 3 days
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”