You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
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[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.