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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.