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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack