[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Monday
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
This could be us… but you playing
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
The old gods are rising again.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.