Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
#CoronaOutbreak
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please