Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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scrabbled eggs
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I put the hot in psychotic.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check