*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL