My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).