im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
greetings!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained