Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
May never get over this
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous