Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.