8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
What flavor cupcake are these
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
☠️☠️☠️
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework