If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me, flirting😏
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”