It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped