On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.