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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
next level snooze
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs