[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
You Might Also Like
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.