Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus